Channel News Asia Interview

Just thought I might share some of the questions and answers that were not aired on the tv. =)

1)      Was the decision to get back to running after your accident a tough one and did you get any support?

I don't think it was a tough decision. As a matter of fact, it was a natural decision for me. On the day I did my first walk and was told that the session had ended, I told my physio that I wanted to go for another walk because these are my first steps back into running. Running is my motivation to go through all the gruelling  rehabilitations.

The impression I got was that all my friends, team mates,coach and family members wasn't against me attempting to run again. However, they were not totally supportive at the beginning probably because they didn't want to give me false hope. I guess the most important thing was that I did not give up on myself. I kept faith. So when I became better and all, I could sense the support was no longer a "show" but it became genuine. The first people who showed that to me were my girlfriend, my uwa tri team mates and my coach. 

2)      Was it difficult to make a comeback despite the fact that you had competed in the Kobe Marathon?

It sure is a difficult process. It was even tougher knowing that I was actually training well for Gold coast 2014. At times I feel blessed to be able to run again, at times I feel so disappointed having lost all I once had. I had to acknowledge the fact that currently I am not able to run a sub 3 hour marathon and I had to be at peace with the situation. I try to use the Kobe experience as a goal for me to work towards. I often visualise myself running on the race course, trying to beat my personal best and to feel the adrenaline of racing again. In fact, I have told my Japanese friends that one day, hopefully soon, I will be back racing in Kobe. So at this point of time, I would not consider this a comeback yet. The best is yet to be.

3)      Is the training and competition part of your therapy?

Well, some of the medical staff told me how "unrealistic" my goals were and that I should be contented with being able to walk. So training and competition were not part of the hospital's therapy session. But i refused to agree. So my answer would be "Yes!" training and competition are part of my therapy.

Because I am an exercise physiologist, my physio and myself have great mutual respect for each other. She allowed me to plan my cycling workout during rehab and I take every one of these sessions seriously. I work as hard during my rehab as I would be while competing.  I would often cycle till I wet the bike, doing extra sessions on the bike. I even blacked out a couple of times from pushing my body to its limit. I always competed against the "yesterday me", making sure I gave my all every single session. I hold on 3 phrases everyday when I do my rehab: 

1)"Always challenge yourself" - Grant Landers

2) "My race begins during my training" - Zac Leow

3) Nil Sine Labore (nothing without labour) - Victoria School

4)      Besides proving your doctors wrong, do you think you will inspire others like yourself to take on such a challenge?

I guess I have not considered myself as an inspiration. I think I represent that little bit of resentment in every patient, the bit that wants to tell the doctor that "hey. I can do better than what you think".  Every patient has their own challenges and in fact everyday is a different challenge. I remembered the days when standing up to use the toilet felt like the biggest challenge of my life! I guess when hardwork meets opportunity, great things do happen.  If you don't try, you will never know if today is your lucky day. So i hope others will give it a shot at overcoming their challenges. Nothing to lose, but everything to gain. 

In the video, it says:

28-year old Zac Leow is another inspirational runner who hopes to beat the odds. The avid runner was partially paralysed from a spinal injury due to a cycling accident in 2013.

Doctors said he will never walk again, but Zac is not accepting that as he tries to complete the half-marathon.

He said: "It is more of a process. To me, the whole idea is to get back to where I was before I got into my accident and in fact. I want to better myself."

I wish to make some amendments to the report. Doctors told me i will not be able to run, let alone race. They did say that I was able to walk. This is the least I could do to deliver some justification to the medical team back in Perth. 

I would also take this opportunity to thank my family, girlfriend, unihall mates, UWA staff and friends, UWATRI team mates and coach, singapore friends, especially my VS bros and my band mates, Asics Japan and Hivelocity for their continued support through this tough period. and you know how i will end this post don't you?

my determination has no equal.

Nil Sine Labore.

Zac

My first walk

Was having this conversation with Shina and we started talking about the videos and pictures of me during my injury/recovery phase. So we took out our phones and started comparing the files that we had and guess what, I discovered pictures and videos of myself that I have never seen before!

So this is a video of me taking my 1st walk ever since the accident. Literally my first walk.
Its funny how I don't really recall this. Judging from my expression, I could tell that it was hard work and I must have been focusing real hard. Maybe my brain was still in the "shut-down" mode or maybe the brain just wants to "block out" this part of the memory. I am not too sure, but I am sure happy to find this video.

Looking back, I wished I had taken more photos and videos of myself during this journey. It would have been such a great story to share with my kids or even with anyone else. I even remember my first ever photo was taken by Jason and he was scolded by others because this was some kinda bad omen. At that point in time when the photo was taken, I was 99.9% paralysed, with only the slightest of movement coming from my right thumb. I remember Jason telling off the others and said "Come on man. This picture is gonna be great one day. Zac will be able to tell everyone of his amazing recovery and how he makes his brilliant come back. We should take more photos!"
Such positive and encouraging words. Jason Tex Ah Soon, Thanks for your faith, belief and love. Indeed, this is one great story. It would have been better if I make a full recovery. So, I shall continue to work my ass off, to ensure I have the best possible ending. The cherry to top of this story eh.

Loving the "one tough cookie" bit. Thanks Tex

Its really good that I have been able to keep track of my progress. Makes me appreciate how much I have gone through and probably I dont have to be so hard on myself all the time.

On hindsight, having the ability to go some like jogging is really a blessing now and I thank God for my second chance.

 

BTW. I have a secret adventure coming soon.

Its gonna be legend-wait-for-it-dary! =)

Stay tune to this space. I am gonna surprise everyone. Hopefully even myself. haha!

Nil Sine Labore

Zac 

Shocking announcement of my injury

So here I am back in this familiar place, to do all these familiar test on my left hand.
Something was different today, I could tell before I had a chance to speak to my OT.

"Today is the day you will be discharged from OT till you get the next bout of botox."

Good news! This meant that I have officially graduated from the system, so-called there was nothing more the OTs could have done for me. At the same time, I felt a little sad. I knew that there were still alot of work needed for my left hand and arm. I am still far off from where I once was. So does this meant that the OTs think that this is  the end of the journey for me? I don't know. I try not to think too deep into this and probably just have to keep my head down and work hard (once again) and hope for the best. fingers crossed*

My OT then recapped my whole injury journey with an intern and it made me realised how long and cruel this journey had been.
On day one, i couldnt use my left hand and legs.
Some days later I managed to stand, then transfer myself from bed to chair/wheelchair, and bit by bit, my right hand got stronger, till finally, one day when my left hand decided to wake up and we could actually do some quantitative test for my left hand. I sure love quantitative tests, part and parcel of being a scientist i guess, totally sucked in by numbers. Hey. Numbers don't lie. That is the beauty of things. Then came the shocking news.

OT: So, Zac, you are actually an official C1 incomplete spinal patient.

Me: Huh? What? I thought I was a C4 incomplete.

OT: Nope. You had a C4 fracture but you are really a C1 incomplete. This is how we term things. The lowest vertebrae that is unaffected by the injury will be reflected. Because you have deficits starting from your C2, you are then termed as a C1 incomplete.

My jaw dropped. Never did I know it was THAT serious.

OT: So, do you know what are the implications if Zac's C1 would have been affected?

Intern: Zac would have only been able to move his head after the fall?

OT: Nope.  He would have died.

I felt cold from within, all over again.

OT: C1 controls the respiratory system. So, if it was damaged, Zac's respiratory system would have stopped functioning and unless someone were to perform CPR on him immediately, his journey would have ended there.

I felt so thankful to be in the position I am in now. To be able to live. To be able to be given a second chance at life. Literally, a second life.

Intern: My goodness. You must be really lucky Zac. How many years ago did this accident happen?

Me: 6 months ago. Almost exactly 6 months ago.

The intern was shocked. I can see it in his eyes.

OT: And I will have to be honest, Zac is a fighter. He comes in smashing the workouts daily, never giving up and till today, I have no idea why he is recovering so fast and well. Nevertheless, I am happy for him and I am sure his family is.

This OT session will be embedded in my heart. This conversation has reminded me of this near-death accident I had. Often I hear people saying "If i were to be paralyzed, I would rather die". Let me tell you know that is a lot of bull. I would rather be paralyzed than to die. I am really thankful.


After all the rehabilitation, I could not help but ask myself "what if". I could not help but think about the accident. I could not help but think how badly things could have gotten and this, made me think about my accident very differently now. Like very differently. I know i almost died. I know i could have been paralysed for life. I just did not know I was this close. I would say a differences of 1 mm would have been the end of chapter on earth.

SO, me being me, I just had to drive by the accident site again.
"FACE IT HEAD ON" I hear it screaming in my head.
I stopped the car, took a real good look. Let the memory replay the accident in my head.
I took my time to ensure I was able to walk away from here knowing that I am undefeated. I know that I have to be at peace with the situation, with myself.
I embraced the crash. the pain, the helpless and the near-death. I think I did.
I was ready to go.

I got into my car, and unknowingly, I drove myself to McGilivary, the place where I was heading towards when I had my crash.

The view that greeted me at McGilivary. "Come get me" it says.

The sky looks so clear. The grass felt soft. How I missed the 400 m track.
I had just finished a big rehabilitation session with the physios and I had just done a 30km time-trial yesterday. I should have known better than to start running. As everyone would have known by now, I couldnt care less.

Off came my jumper and I started running. This familiar place, this wonderful place where I had so many wonderful memories together with Grant, Gab, Alex and James. As i was running, I recalled the first session I had with Grant. I could remember the exact workout that was done that night and unfortunately how I was dropped by everyone. When I came back on the 100 m bend, I remembered how Gab, Stuart and I used to do the intervals during the winter with them doing 1000 m and me doing 900 m. This very line on lane 8 was where I stopped while I watch Gab fly off to complete his 1000 m. I even remembered Gab grumbling saying "why does Zac have it easy? its 100 m shorter than me".

The ending of my first ever 900 m repeats.

As I took my rest between the 400 m, I could "hear" Grant telling me how I should have as little rest as possible between the repeats because I need to learn to function with all these lactic in me. I took off and gone for another 4 sets before I threw up. Amazingly, I threw up at the exact same spot as I did on my first training with Grant. I smiled to myself.

It feels bloody good to be alive. 

Never felt so happy to be throwing up. 


Today was the first time I actually ran with ease. I could actually think of all these while I am running. I felt free for the brief moment. As i ran my last 800 m, I prayed and gave thanks to God. Thank you for keeping me a little longer.

Hopefully I will be able to build up more sets and speed in time to come.
Hope to be back training, throwing up, building all the lactic in me.
I am not going to back off. Life is too short.
I will join you on the 1000 m repeat again Gab. No short cuts this time round.

I will be back.


prepared and written by Zac Leow

Discharged and its new challenges

My daily breakfast at 6am. Good spread of meds

Come 3^rd weekend leave, I was given “homework”. My OT has requested for me to cook my parents a meal. Well, my parents had never eaten a meal prepared by me and that is because I didn’t know how to cook when I was back in Singapore. Let’s just say they were probably afraid of being poisoned by me. Convincing my parents that the meal was edible and nice was the least of my concern. Preparing the meal, in a wheelchair, would have the #1 challenge. Cutting and cooking the food with only my right hand was another big task (my left arm was still paralysed). Due to the muscle wastage, carrying the wok was a weight-lifting task. It was heavy, bulky, hard to manoeuvre and I dropped food all over the table. At the end of it, I managed to produce a couple of Asian dishes for the family. I even taught Shina how to cook something simple. No burning of food or my body. No cutting of my fingers. THAT’S GOOD NEWS. Like real good.

My parents were pretty amazed with the meal I cooked, insisting that they would have never imagined it being so delicious. Zac 1 – Parents 0. 

 

Lucky for me, the height was alright. Still, it is really different

The food which surprised my parents

Finally came the long awaited day of me getting discharged from the rehabilitation hospital. Its been a day I have looking forward to. Not only was it because I was getting really bored back at the hospital but also for the fact that being discharged meant that I have moved on to the next stage of rehabilitation: to be put back into the real world.

There was also something else that I have been looking forward to: to put my helmet back at the crash site. On the day I was transferred to the rehabilitation hospital (ironically, it is located within 400m from my crash site), I knew I would be able to be discharged one day. What I did not know was if I were to be leaving this place in a wheelchair or on my feet. Nevertheless, me being me, I told myself that I will be walking out of this place, with my own feet and I will, go to the crash site and place my helmet there. I want to have the courage to see that exact drain, to walk down that exact path and put that helmet there. Because, I am UNDEFEATED. I wanted to close this chapter in my life, in decisive head-on rock and roll style (looking back, this is so damn me). And so, that’s what I did. I walked down the crash site, cold chills running down my spine, slowly but surely, I wanted to absorb this moment, to remind myself I am undefeated and I will continue to fight hard, to recover and to live my life to the fullest. I told myself “one day, I will ride down this exact same road towards McGilivary and I will then go and do the next race. It is not over yet.”

 

My physio room, the place where I worked hard, day in day out.

Torture chamber that comes by the name of OT

Didnt get discharged with a good score. But to the nursing staff, probably one of the best they have ever seen.

 

all packed and ready to leave.. with my wheelchair. I insisted on walking out of the hospital regardless how long it may take me.

Closing the chapter.

Upon discharged, I was put onto the Rehab In The Home (RITH) program where the OT and PT would visit me a couple of times a week to have rehab with me. I was really looking forward to RITH as I have heard so much about it and how challenging the sessions were. I am always looking forward challenges in rehab. If it doesn’t challenge me, its not helping me. “always challenge yourself”- Prof Landers.

So came the day when I first met my PT. WE did a couple of assessments and we did some exercises before me mentioning to her that I had gym access to the school’s gym across the road. She then decided to have a final exercise with me and that was for us to walk to the gym to see if it was “safe” for me and also assess my fatigue level walking from my room to the gym. Away we walked, walking side by side.

Me: What do you think is the best for me? To increase the distance or to concentrate on my walking gait?

PT: So what are your aims?

Me: I want to recover and run marathons again. In fact, I hope to compete again.

PT: Compete in a marathon?

Me: Yap. I was training really hard before this happened. So I want to work really hard to get back to where I left off.

PT: Zac, you have to be realistic. 42km is a long distance. You might not ever complete it again. Even if you do, you will most probably be struggling. So it might be best for you to realise the reality of things and give up on competing. Maybe completing the marathon will be a good goal to have a couple of years down the road.

I froze. Looked at her and was really saddened.

PT: Just look at you walking from the room to this underpass, you have been limping, struggling to walk, its really not that likely that you will ever compete again. Allow me to be honest to you, you might not walk like a normal person ever again. You will always walk with a limp. So going back to your question, you should just go as far as you can and as you want because I doubt you will get a good walking gait pattern again.

For the first time, I teared. Even now as I type, I can feel the pain, the disappointment and the emptiness in my heart. And she didn’t end there.

PT: We are only half way to the gym and you are already panting and the legs are cramping up. There is no point in working out in the gym. Walking to the gym will probably be more than a workout you can handle. I hope you understand where I am coming from. You should really re-consider your aims and be realistic.

Ouch.

The goal that had kept me going all these while was vanishing right before my eyes. The goal that had made me worked my ass off, performing “miracles” week after week. Is this the end of the journey for me? Is this the truth that I will have bear and to live with, for the rest of my life?

..

I know life isn’t fair. But this is.. really too hard for me to swallow.

It took me a couple of days to allow the feelings to sink in. Luckily I always liked to prove others wrong. Luckily I have such a big ass ego. Luckily I don’t know how to spell “gife up” (see. I cant spell it).

One night, while I was crying myself in bed, the inner demon within woke up.

“STUPID PT. WHO IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I HAVE PROVEN THE DOCTORS BACK AT SHENTON WRONG TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG.

So what if you are an expert and have years of experience?

You have not met Zac before.

I am meant to achieve what others can’t. Just because others can’t make it happen, doesn’t mean I can’t. DO NOT GENERALISE ME.

I will defy all odds. I will make it happen. Because I can.

I will make you eat your words. I will make sure I am an outlier in your many years of being an “expert”. I will make sure I will walk properly, start running and do a marathon and send you my freaking timing sheet.

You dare to make such a statement about me on our first visit? Seriously?

My school has taught me never to give up. Nil Sine Labore. Nothing without labour. Hard work triumphs all. I WILL BE BACK.

You know what? MY DETERMINATION HAS NO EQUAL.

Even if I were to crawl across the line, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. I will do a marathon this year. 2014. I will do it.

I will make you eat your words.

ROCK AND ROLL IS NOT DEAD.”

Ps. Lots and lots of censorship were made. Probably at least once between each sentence.

On Christmas eve, I gave myself the best present ever. On the day of my accident, I set off from my office at Sport Science, towards McGilivary. So I decided to walk myself back to Sports Science. I left after dinner, telling my parents that I am going for a stroll.

1 hour later, I finally reached sports science. Just 2 days ago I was told I couldn’t walk normally. Just 2 days ago, I couldn’t even walk 500m. Today, I managed to walk to Sports Science (~1.6km) and I am going to walk back. This was probably the hardest and longest “endurance exercise” I have done since my accident. To think I was doing 28km within 2 hours just 2 months ago and here I was doing 3.2km in 2 hours. How sudden life changes. Its ok. I was feeling fired up. I had taken my first step. I am going to make this happen.

This will not be the last of me.

Off to my secret training on Christmas eve 2013

The reward? The nice welcome sign I first saw when i came to UWA. I made it back on my own, walking.

My Beloved King's Park

King’s Park (KP) has always been special to me. KP was also where I had my first unofficial race (I crashed a 10km race with no number tag) and also my first official race (city to surf) gave me a good 10km of KP. KP was a challenge. I ran everyday to overcome it. But, most of the time, KP wins. And that’s the beauty of it.

Before I came to Perth, I have heard so much of KP, what nice view it offers and also how hilly it gets, making it a perfect training location for my marathon training. Living right in front of KP has been a blessing to me. Waking up in the morning, to enjoy the fresh air, nice view, good hills has become something I really enjoy doing.

So on my 2^nd weekend leave, I told my sister that I want to go to KP. I wanted to have a bird’s eye view of the city once more. I wanted to feel the strong wind during the long winding road. My sister agreed and she drove me up after my acupuncture in the morning.

Now that I am in KP, I wanted to be out of my wheelchair. I wanted to stand with my own feet. I wanted to walk around this place independently. Thinking back, whenever I ran KP, I felt that I was racing against myself and often I will aim to overtake whoever is in front of me. I had never truly slowed down to have a good look at the scenery it provides. This time, I was able to enjoy KP to its fullest. Strolling (or rather walking as fast as I can), looking at the sun set and also to sit along the park is an amazing experience for me. I cant believe how much I have been missing out. It is indeed true that sometimes we really need to slow down to fully enjoy whatever we are presented with. Life in the fast lane really isn’t that amazing afterall.

I want to run along KP again. Looking at all the people running in KP, makes me so sad. Not too long ago, I was doing my long runs here, on this exact same footpath. Not too long ago, I was actually feeling awesome, blazing through this exact ground, knowing that come June I will be a PR in Goldcoast. Now, it all seems like a dream.. a dream that will never come true. There was so much mixed emotions as I stood there.

I wonder who could ever understand what im going through.

I wonder what else I could have done to improve.

I wonder if I could ever start running again..

I wonder..

All these thoughts go through my head at least once a day and it is a mental torture and mental battle which others do not see.

Whenever someone tells me that I will recover, my brain subconsciously tells me “yap thanks. You are just being nice. How I wish it is true”

When someone tells me “You have improved so much”, my brain tells me “ya. But look how far I am away from being back to where I was”.

When someone tells me “You will be about 90% of who you were, its good news!” my brain says “90% is not good enough”.

When someone tells me “you will not be normal again” or “you will not be able to run again” i will naturally be cursing at you.

So how, regardless of what others say, it just doesn’t make anything better. Not even 1%. It is MY fault that I feel this way. I know it. But. I cant help it. Till today, I battle with this.

As I am typing this entry now, I once again ask myself when will I be able to compete again.

Will I be able to qualify for Boston again? Will I ever do a sub-three again? When will all this happen?

There are so much doubts, so much questions and so much hardships. Nobody said recovery is gonna be easy, but no one will be able to understand how hard it is, unless, you are going through it.

Good days, bad days.

Happy moments, sad thought.

Being happy for others while being jealous and envious.

All these can happen within 10 seconds of my life now. Talk about mood swings. Sheesh.

Dear King’s Park. I will be back.

To enjoy the fantastic view you offer.

To take up the challenge your hills provide.

And one day. Hopefully, I will be able to defeat you.

Till we meet again.

I will not give up.

Nil Sine Labore

 

Lets go Church.. and then to King's Park!

Happy just to be back, standing here, enjoying the wind.

prepared and written by Zac Leow

Back in Rehab hospital. again.

“Our brain requires glucose function.” Pretty sure everyone came across this. I personally experienced how important glucose (sugar) is to my brain and bodily function during OT.

Every now and then, my OT would challenge me with some tasks that were a little different, a little more challenging. Most of these challenging task would result in me almost fainting or having lost (whatever’s left) my body movements. I would often turn pale, head would start to spin and I would just become sleepy. I would want to ignore everyone, I would want to stop whatever I am doing and I just wanted to sleep. Th therapist would often have to remind me to provide them with verbal feedback "Zac, speak to me. everything ok mate? speak to me". It kinda made me step out of the sleepy zone just by answering them. This is pretty dangerous for someone who is on a wheelchair and even more so, for that person to be unable to use the arms properly. I have never liked sweets or chocolates (probably due to the athlete’s diet) and surprisingly, I have been really dependent on them to get me through all these rough days and hard task. So, apparently, focusing really hard on a task requires a lot of glucose. So when I am focused, trying my absolute best to complete a task, I run low on glucose and results in giddy spells. Yes. All these occurred because I was trying to move my fingers 10 times. Valsa maneuver included. 

Thanks Phil and Grace for your wonderful sweets which got me through every single giddy spells. Thanks Zi for the top up of sweets from your secret stash.

 

Magic bouquet of energy supply! <3 nbsp="" td="">

Daily snack from the hospital. Biscuits, crackers and cheese. Emergency energy supply.

First Goal Setting

After my return from my first weekend leave, I had a meeting with the medical team. We sat down and we came up with my first goal setting. Well, I have done numerous goal setting sessions for myself as an athlete and also as a coach for my team. So this was no stranger to me. What was unique to this session, were the goals. In order to have a realistic yet challenging goal, one has to let go of all ego, pride, self-worth, self-pity, self-denial and admit to the world what an individual is incapable of doing. There was no hiding. Lucky for me, these were long thrown out of the window because I came to peace with my situation pretty quickly (although my psychologist believes it was all a façade). This goal setting session was just a written goal for everyone to know. I have been setting my own goals ever since I was admitted into Shenton Rehab and it sure felt good to be smashing them week after week but its time I get everyone to be on the same page as me.

I wrote:

• To be able to pick up a 1/4 full cup and bring it to mouth using left hand
• To use (L) hand when typing on computer
• To use (L) to complete grooming task including: washing, drying and brushing hair
• To be able to walk 200m with no hands-on assitance
• To be able to cycle on the upright bike for 20mins on L4 resistance

sounds simple? yes.

was it easy? nope

I was determined to make it happen.

I know I can achieve them if I try hard.

Perth has taught me to: BELIEVE in MYSELF and be RESPONSIBLE.

I used to work really hard (that’s a given), but I would find excuses whenever I fall short, telling myself its not my fault, its because of weather, marathoners are bad at lactic workouts, the hills on course, my shoes, because I am not Japanese blah blah blah.. loads of BS. 

Coming to Perth, seeing how hard my team mates work, seeing how fast a 15 year old girl can run, seeing with my eyes how I would get smacked by them on a daily basis has given me the belief that if I believe, I would be as good as I wanted myself to be. I had to believe in the program my coach had provided. I had to believe that good things will happen when hardwork pays off.

I started to believe in my capabilities more and I started to improve and I was getting better till this accident happened.

NO MORE EXCUSES.

BELIEVE.

Everything is possible for he who believes.

BELIEVE.

Be focused, work my ass off and believe in myself.

I am who I am.

Be responsible for my own actions.

It starts NOW.

Nil Sine Labore

I have been kept alive on this Earth, surely, I was not meant to be just another furniture. 

I will make the most out of whatever I have left. 

Make the best of myself and believe that I can do it. 

No time to lose, let’s go! 

Screw the doctor who told me I won’t be able to run, lousy diagnosis. 

I will do my next marathon by the end of 2014. 

My determination has no equal.

The end of the week came, let’s just say it is not a fairy tale ending for my goal setting. I achieved some, I missed some. Most importantly, I achieved everything that was strength based or speed based. It is important not because I am a muscle head, but rather it meant that I did everything I could, physically, to achieve it. Neurological changes, spasm, movement of my severely impaired left side were a little out of control for me. So, it’s alright. I will try again next week. No regrets.

Just got to keep going.

The world doesnt change because I am a spinal patient. yeap. It sure doesnt change.

Visit from Joel and Stephen

Visits were exciting. They were something different which made the mundane rehabilitation life that bit more exciting even if it is just for an hour or so. One morning, when I was having my horrible breakfast, I was told that I had visitors.

Who would come so early in the morning? Hmmm..

My church mates from Singapore came! It’s so nice of them to fly in to visit me and to bring cards and gifts from the others back in Singapore =) So much love. 

It has definitely renewed my strength and reminded myself that I am not alone in this.

Well, I live to fight another day.

Money is not important when you are bed ridden.

Branded stuff aint too.

Family and friends are my new found strength through tough times.

Not forgetting, having more faith in my Lord

They sure were stoked to see me standing up for this photo. I sure am glad I was able to stand =)

My new ward mate =)

prepared and written by Zac Leow

First Weekend Leave

My First Weekend Leave

Days were getting really boring at Shenton Rehab especially over the weekend because they were my rest days, there were no OT or PT sessions. Although there were no official rehabs, I did my own “secret training” and tried to surprise my therapist come every Monday. What drove me to do all these were simply the thoughts of joining my team mates in training again.

I want to do weights with Steph and Stuart on Muscle Mondays.

I want to run again with Gab, Alex, Tom and James on Intervals Tuesdays.

I want to start swimming with the team soon on Swimming Wednesdays.

I want to do the wind trainers on Spinning Thursdays.

I want to more lactic sessions with Grant on Fridays.

I want to more 5km TT with James and Charles.

I want to ride with Phil, James and gang on our Social-Ride Sundays.

I want to race again.

For one more time. To beat myself. Once more.

These thoughts kept going through my head as I lie in my bed, attempting to do glutes bridges, glutes clams and planks. Nurses often come back my bed and tell me to rest.

Nurse: Zac. Rest your body. This is weekend. Enjoy it.

Zac: This is how I enjoy my weekend =) I have no time to lose. There is no rest day in training.

Nurse: Still.. you need to rest.

Zac: ok. I will rest when im done with my workout. My team mates did these this week. I will finish these too.

Some nurses shook their heads, some encouraged me and most, just think im a nut case. When the physios told me to do 10, I would do 20. When the physio told me to cycle for 20min, I would do 25min. I always did more than what was expected. why? Because I believe in myself. I believe that I do not fall within the usual stereotype. I believe if I push myself hard enough, miracles will happen. So if that makes me a nut case, so be it. I will be happy being one.

There came this special day when my therapists were really impressed with my progress and they had a meeting which led to a new turn of events for me: maybe it is time to let Zac back into the real world.

When I heard of it, I was really happy. But this obviously came with a slight challenge (I found out later that this condition never exist. The therapists just wanted to have some fun with me). My PT told me: if you can get your left hand to move, we might consider letting you out on a weekend.

My left hand has been asleep since my accident. I have been trying. Just that there were no visible improvements.  I told myself that this is "game time" and I really really need to make this happen. I focused on my left hand and practiced really hard (it is really hard to do an exercise when from the exterior point of view, there is zero movement. I was literally sweating just trying to get my fingers to move a little). I guess I really respond well under pressure and challenges. I managed to wriggle my left fingers a couple of days later and was granted my weekend leave.

One of the first movements i got for my left hand. Hope you are able to see it move. It sure was damn exciting for my family and myself.

Before I was introduced back into the "real world" i had to be introduced to new "workouts" such as: learning to sit on the floor, standing from floor, getting in and out of the car. All these me a couple of days to learn it. I had to learn to use my good foot to pivot myself on the ground, use my good hand to push my body off, wait for body to be centered and then grab onto something stable with my right hand and then push off with my good foot while pulling hard with my good arm. These were things that "normal" people would do without thinking but it sure was hard work for me. Getting the correct coordination is a challenge on its own, let alone mention the fact that i need to harness the strength to propel my body off the ground. I had to stay positive and remind myself of the rainbow after the rain: my first weekend leave. It is such a huge motivation. 

Saturday came and it is now my weekend leave (well technically it was just a day leave). I had been locked up in the hospital compound for about a month now and it was the very first time I saw cars, bus, traffic lights and lots and lots of people. It was.. different. The view from the wheelchair was different. Everything seems so familiar but yet foreign to me. Nevertheless, I am greatful just to be out. No time to ponder about these useless theories. Gotta enjoy myself.

I had made arrangement with an alternative treatment with an acupuncturist (Well, considering the fact that I am Asian, I was no stranger to this). Getting in and out of the car was different. It was physically challenging. However, what was the toughest, was to watch my sister and girlfriend having to struggle to carry the wheelchair out of the car, assemble it and help transfer me onto it. It doesnt end there. They have to wheel me along the footpaths, across the roads to the medical hall. I used to be the one doing heavy lifting. Now, i am depending on two girls to do it for me. I am not being sexist here. It just simply broke my heart to see them go through all these trouble to bring me out. Deep down, I felt really bad. I felt useless. I felt broken. I have to recover soon because I dont want to be a burden to others. But for now, all ego, all pride has to go out of the window because I need help. I need help to get better. I need help to recover, to be less of a burden. I will return these favors one day. But for now, I will have to be dependent.

I think what people often forget is that disabled people have pride too. We dont feel good having to ask for something. If we are abled, we wouldnt have asked. How we wish we were the one who is offering help to others. My church mentor always tells me: It is a blessing to be able to provide for others. Regardless what it is. Financially or through physical labor. I never fully understood this till now. 

People, dont be shy to offer assistance to the disabled. You have no idea how happy i get when the bus driver waits for me, how much hope I see in man kind when they allow me to board the bus first. Simple things like this meant the world to a disabled person.

Crossing the road used to be easy, it aint anymore. Especially when I am on the wheelchair, having the same height as the front of the car. It seems like the car was about to crash straight into me. It was one of the times when i realised all the uphills/bumpy roads we have here in Perth. Life on the wheelchair is different. It is scary. Going back my apartment in my wheelchair is really different and difficult. Reaching for the sink is hard. Going to the toilet and into the rooms through the standardize door requires pin-point accuracy from the person wheeling me. Life is different. Life is .. different.

Thanks to my sister and shina, i was able to get the the medical hall safely. I received treatment from the acupuncturist and was asked what I would like to have for lunch. I told them I would like to have a MacDonald's meal and both my sister and shina were shocked. Mr no-fastfood has requested for the most unhealthy food choice ever. 

hey. you cant blame me ok? Need some happy food yo.

So, off to MacDonald's we went.

THIS IS THE BEST MACDONALD'S IN MY LIFE. BEST. There wont be another time close to this. I ate shit loads of unhealthy food and topped off with a dessert (well, i felt super guilty after that and went for a 40min bike ride on Monday to rectify my wrong doings). I was so excited about the meal that I actually managed to use my left hand to grab the McFlurry. Yes. This was the first time I used my left hand for something useful post-accident. MacDonald's was that exciting.

I did receive my fair share of stares when I enter in the wheelchair. Guess I just wasnt bothered or rather I have resigned to fate to being "special". I went about doing my own business, eating awesome non-hospital food. I didnt blame any of those people. I knew they were just curious, they aint looking down on me. It takes a positive mindset to see things this way. Hopefully all my mates back at Shenton will be able to understand this one day. 

I was really tired for the rest of the day but i refused to take a nap back home. I knew i could sleep as much as I want on Sunday. For now, time is really precious. Let's stay awake, stay out and do something. Good times fly by quickly and before i knew it, I was well on my way back to Shenton. I had these same feelings when i was in the army and every weekend when I was returning to camp sucked. It's like army all over again. Grrrr...

Hopefully I will get to stay out again next weekend.

Hopefully I will be able to get out without the wheelchair soon.

Hopefully I will never have to return back to the hospital.

Hopefully.

I can only pray and hope now.

I always wanted to sit on a wheelchair when I was younger. Now, i cant wait to get my ass outta this crap.

Needles. Needles. Painful Needles. 

The power of McDonald's. My first use of my left hand. Aint pretty but it sure worked. They should set up one in the hospital. Think every patient would recover faster! HA! 

I was actually that happy to put in THIS into my body. Yeah. I was THAT happy.

prepared and written by Zac Leow

OT : Occupational Training (aka olympic training)

Everyday I am stuck in the rehabilitation hospital. Going for PT (physio therapy) and OT (occupational therapy) and all the in between events became like a schedule.

0730H Wake up

0800H Medicine time

0830H Walk along corridor (~50m)

0945H Wheel to OT

1200H Lunch

1345H Medicine + Wheel to PT

1600H Rest

1700H Dinner

1800H Medicine

1900H Snack

2000H Medicine

2200H Medicine + Sleep

Life in rehab center was pretty full on. Seems simple but it sure wasn’t, especially when I push myself to my limit during every OT and PT. There are days when I pushed myself so hard for OT that I couldn’t make it to PT and there were also days when I pushed myself so hard for PT and I couldn’t wake up for OT. In addition, medications have multiple side effects, which meant that there were “up days” and there were “down days”. When down days came, even moving to the toilet is a tough job.

Prior to my accidents, I could not distinguish the difference between OT and PT (im sorry to all my health professional friends). Now, I know the differences well. I know they are both needed and they are both very important in having a full rehab.

The OT does all the functional therapy. I learnt how to use my fingers, wrist, shoulders in OT. The OT taught me simple functional tasks. When I first regained movement of my right fingers, my OT gave me a huge challenge.

OT: Nice polo shirt you have there Zac

Me: Yeah. My mate gave this to me.

OT: Nice! So, who did the buttons for you?

Me: My girlfriend did *smile*

OT: Oh no! That’s no good isn’t it? You have to dress yourself.

Eh? I am a spinal patient and I have just moved my fingers 2 days ago. Are you freaking kidding me?

OT: Come on. Do it yourself. Let me get you something.

So my OT went to get his props for this activity. The buttons on the shirt was made of varying sizes. The biggest button would be perfect on a clown and the smallest button would be the size of the button on my polo.

OT: Go on. Try it.

Me being me, started with the smallest button. (so damn typical of me.)

Failed.

Ok. Next bigger button.

Failed.

Next button.

Failed.

Fail

Fail

Fail

Ok. Biggest button now.

Fail.

****

Seriously? =(

OT: Its ok. Let me teach you. First, you try to place your finger in this position. Then you try to aim for the slit, push it through with your thumb and …

WHY AM I LEARNING HOW TO BUTTON MYSELF AFTER 27 YEARS?!?!

I was instantly depressed and I guess my face shows it all. So everyone left me for a while. I sat there alone, looking at buttons. This seems to be the hardest task I have done in my life. WTF magic is this?! These are just buttons. This is seriously not hard. But its so hard. F…

I took a while to sink in my self-pity and denial and I do what I do best. PICK MYSELF UP.

Ok. This used to be easy but you know what? I am no longer the same.

I have to embrace my new body. I have do everything right. Get the fundamental right.

Be patient. I am having my second childhood now. Remember. I am a baby.

Ok. Lets go.

I will master this button thingy today and get it out of the way. Tomorrow will be a better day. One step at a time, I can make things happen. Just got to do it. Lets kill the buttons today. LETS GO!

So I practiced buttoning on the prop for 30 minutes before my fingers could no longer move.

OT: Zac, hows things going?

Me: Its alright. I think I am getting better at this. But my fingers are no longer moving..

OT: Oh it looks good! Good job. No worries. Your fingers are probably tired. You need to build up your fingers. Its just like weights training, like in the gym. We will continue tomorrow.

Buttoning is gym training now. Look how far I have degraded. (Even as I type this now, it sends chills down my spine, thinking back at all these is an absolute nightmare) Try again tomorrow eh? Alright. I will smash this sh*t tomorrow. I will have my secret training tonight and surprise you tomorrow. Hell yeah.

FYI, secret training didn’t happen. I was really too smashed from the morning’s OT. This is how important an OT is. No freaking point in being able to run if I cant feed / write/ button my clothes. Aint gonna be too “normal” isn’t it. This was how far out I am from where I was a couple of weeks ago. Saddening but true.

It is really weird to know that I have some walking (actually limping) ability while I have no fine motor skills. Super screwed up. I could limp but I didn’t have any dorsi flexion. Sucks. Ok, apologies on the technical terms. So bottom line is, I am no longer normal and I no longer function normally. Yes. No longer normal.

Life really aint that bad when one could walk or write or eat on their own or walk to the toilet on our own and to void normally. Sometimes, we just forget how blessed we are.

making one of the first few attempts of standing up. Who is that idiot that told me i wouldnt stand in the year? 

prepared and written by Zac Leow

My First Taste of being "Normal"

Having the catheter in me has become something I got used to. Having to carry around my urine bag wherever I go. There were different sizes and one of the smaller versions were small enough to be tied onto my leg and hence its easier to move around. The downside of it is: it gets full easily. So twice a day, I will have to ring my bell, notify my nurse that my man bag (that’s the term we used in the rehab hospital instead of calling it urine bag) is full. The nurse will then go grab the necessary apparatus to change the bag for me. At times, the nurse forgets about me and went to do other stuff so there were a few near cases of exploding pee bags attached to my leg, on my bed. On hindsight, its pretty funny. But trust me, it sure wasn’t during real time.

Because I have good sensation for my bladder, I can sense it when the wires are a little stuffed up and that meant unwanted pressure up my dingdong. So there was this night when I rang for the nurse and told her that there’s a lot of pressure in my bladder and dingdong but there is no flowing of fluid into the bag. The nurse came, took a look at me and told me the catheter was working fine and asked me to relax. I continued to feel uncomfortable and rang her again, telling her the situation. This time round, she got pissed at me and scolded me. So, I had no choice but to endure the pain. Soon, my bag started turning brown. Know why? Because I was peeing blood. The increased pressure must have caused some micro damage. So now, I rang the bell again and she finally went “hmm.. wow”, and changed a new bag for me.

The catheter was removed the next day and I was expected to be able to void myself normally due to my good sensation.

I tried voiding for 30minutes..

Failed.

I got my parents to leave me in my “closed” partition and tried again.

Failed.

So I decided to rest and try again later. Come on, this is peeing. This is not rocket science, this is not weight training or exercise. I am actually taking a 30min break before I attempt this activity again. No one will ever know the frustration to lose one’s ability to pee. Like come on. Seriously?! Grrrr…

After several more failed attempts, the nurse inserted an intermittent catheter to help me void. Basically, the catheter is inserted up my dingdong, into the bladder, to drain all the fluids out. When the draining is complete, the catheter is removed. Hence, I will always try to void myself in between all these intermittent catheters, hoping that I can tell the nurses to stop doing it. I seriously hate the catheters. Even till today.

Despite all the failed attempts, damaged ego and pride, feelings of self-worth, feelings of being normal, more bad news came my way. Presumably because of the bleeding incident I had previously, I was diagnosed with UTI (urinary tract infection). I started burning and my body often went into full spasm mode. I was already taking paracetamol (Panadol) at that moment for pain killing purposes and hence there was no other medication available to bring my fever down. I could only “sit on it”. Due to the Australian medical rule or something, I was NOT given antibiotics because they wanted my body to fight against the virus. The fever escalated and was often hovering around the 40 degrees zone (imagine the amount of brain cells being burned because of this). It was only on the 3^rd day that the medical staff gave in to my constant begging of antibiotics that I got my IV drip. And because of this stupid UTI and fever, I had up to 6 catheters daily. The pain every time the tube slip up… ouch..

One of the days, the nurse came in and told me to be prepared to lose my ability to pee for the rest of my life. She gave me a pet talk and asked me to prepare to learn how to use the catheter on my own. It was such sad news.. I was advised by a doctor friend to take peeing as an exercise. Do it once every 3 hours. Get the nurse to wheel me to the toilet and stand there to condition myself and to re-wire my brain. Practice peeing.

yes.

practice peeing.

seriously. sounds like asking me to do 1km repeats. But that is gonna be my best bet and.. I practiced peeing for the next few days and FINALLY. It happened. I never knew being able to pee is such a joyous occasion. Feels like I have just won the Olympics gold medal or something. It is that tough and I was that happy.

Again, thanks to the UTI, my rehab took a couple of steps back and I had to do lots of strength training all over again. I lost even more muscle mass and muscle wastage increased. I found out later that I lost 10kg during this short period of time. To begin with, me being a marathon runner, meant I didn’t have much fats/ dead weight to spare. I was named as the “Asian Kenyan” in the spinal ward.

Well, at least I am Kenyan. Built for running marathons right?

Right.

Good for running…

I will be able to run again. And the next time, I will be faster.

Because I am Kenyan now. Right?

Right.

I will run again.

There came the next stage of my rehab: aqua therapy. 

I was allowed into the pool to do some rehab exercise, to get the body moving. The buoyancy of the water made it easier for me to stand, walk and even move my left arm. I really enjoyed the session alot and so much so that my physio told me "mate, i have never met someone who is as happy as you to be getting wet. Are you sure you are a runner and not a swimmer?" ha. almost told her i was trying out for triathlon. almost.

So after all the strength training session, i was still going strong and I wanted more. I wanted more challenges and I wanted to feel more "normal". My physio then asked me a golden question: Do you want to run.

Immediately, I turned and I started running. Running into freedom. Running.. has set me free and made me forget all my troubles all over again.

Finally "RUNNING" again =)

Moving the left shoulder and arm is hard work for a spinal patient. Didnt know this till i became one. We have taken all our "normal" movements for granted

When my body says "stop", I say "GO". because.. my determination has no equal!

I will be back. I will be back running.

I will be normal. as long as I give it my all, thats the best chance I have.

...

..

.

prepared and written by Zac Leow