[Z] to the 6699: My Beloved King's Park

King’s Park (KP) has always been special to me. KP was also where I had my first unofficial race (I crashed a 10km race with no number tag) and also my first official race (city to surf) gave me a good 10km of KP. KP was a challenge. I ran everyday to overcome it. But, most of the time, KP wins. And that’s the beauty of it.

Before I came to Perth, I have heard so much of KP, what nice view it offers and also how hilly it gets, making it a perfect training location for my marathon training. Living right in front of KP has been a blessing to me. Waking up in the morning, to enjoy the fresh air, nice view, good hills has become something I really enjoy doing.

So on my 2^nd weekend leave, I told my sister that I want to go to KP. I wanted to have a bird’s eye view of the city once more. I wanted to feel the strong wind during the long winding road. My sister agreed and she drove me up after my acupuncture in the morning.

Now that I am in KP, I wanted to be out of my wheelchair. I wanted to stand with my own feet. I wanted to walk around this place independently. Thinking back, whenever I ran KP, I felt that I was racing against myself and often I will aim to overtake whoever is in front of me. I had never truly slowed down to have a good look at the scenery it provides. This time, I was able to enjoy KP to its fullest. Strolling (or rather walking as fast as I can), looking at the sun set and also to sit along the park is an amazing experience for me. I cant believe how much I have been missing out. It is indeed true that sometimes we really need to slow down to fully enjoy whatever we are presented with. Life in the fast lane really isn’t that amazing afterall.

I want to run along KP again. Looking at all the people running in KP, makes me so sad. Not too long ago, I was doing my long runs here, on this exact same footpath. Not too long ago, I was actually feeling awesome, blazing through this exact ground, knowing that come June I will be a PR in Goldcoast. Now, it all seems like a dream.. a dream that will never come true. There was so much mixed emotions as I stood there.

I wonder who could ever understand what im going through.

I wonder what else I could have done to improve.

I wonder if I could ever start running again..

I wonder..

All these thoughts go through my head at least once a day and it is a mental torture and mental battle which others do not see.

Whenever someone tells me that I will recover, my brain subconsciously tells me “yap thanks. You are just being nice. How I wish it is true”

When someone tells me “You have improved so much”, my brain tells me “ya. But look how far I am away from being back to where I was”.

When someone tells me “You will be about 90% of who you were, its good news!” my brain says “90% is not good enough”.

When someone tells me “you will not be normal again” or “you will not be able to run again” i will naturally be cursing at you.

So how, regardless of what others say, it just doesn’t make anything better. Not even 1%. It is MY fault that I feel this way. I know it. But. I cant help it. Till today, I battle with this.

As I am typing this entry now, I once again ask myself when will I be able to compete again.

Will I be able to qualify for Boston again? Will I ever do a sub-three again? When will all this happen?

There are so much doubts, so much questions and so much hardships. Nobody said recovery is gonna be easy, but no one will be able to understand how hard it is, unless, you are going through it.

Good days, bad days.

Happy moments, sad thought.

Being happy for others while being jealous and envious.

All these can happen within 10 seconds of my life now. Talk about mood swings. Sheesh.

Dear King’s Park. I will be back.

To enjoy the fantastic view you offer.

To take up the challenge your hills provide.

And one day. Hopefully, I will be able to defeat you.

Till we meet again.

I will not give up.

Nil Sine Labore