[Z] to the 6699: Big Baby at Shenton Park

One of the most horrible experience as a spinal patient was that I had lost my ability to relief myself. At around Day 4 of my hospitalization, the nurse asked me when was the last time I did my big business and informed me that she would have to give me laxatives to assist me with that. The laxative was meant to be inserted up the anus to help the muscles relax, which will in turn allow me to do my business. So, obviously, I was reluctant to receive such treatments. But after some long discussions with nurses and doctor, I had no choice but to receive the treatment as I needed to get rid of the “waste” in my body to ensure it is operating in the best way possible. Unfortunately, my body reacted body with the laxative and I ended up having diarrhea. Worst of all, I was literally shitting on myself, in my pants. Due to me being paralysed, I had to shit while lying flat on my back in my own bed. This was one of the worst experience in my life. It totally made me understand the word “helpless” and “motionless”. No one would want to go near shit, let alone step or even lie on it. It was certainly something that I wouldn’t have expected.

Despite such tough times, I slowly had a little more movement in my right hand and I was also given the “ok” to move my head/neck a little. The nurse loosened the neck brace to allow me to have some rotation. Little did I know that moving one’s head is actually a privilege and blessing. My mood improved tremendously as I was now finally able to look around the room. For the first time in a week, I actually get to see something other than the ceiling. It was indeed a wonderful feeling. I get to talk to my parents, looking them in their eyes. My legs were still not moving much and they were constantly in a device that constantly exerts pressure around my calves. It is to ensure i have good blood circulation and to help prevent me from muscle wastage in my lower limbs. I kinda feel like I am some sort of a human from the future. Full of tubes, full of device running on my body. Its definitely one of those funny-but-not-so-funny moments. Oh wells, as long as i get to entertain myself.

Fast forward a little and I was transferred to Shenton Park Rehabilitation Center. This was supposedly the place every patient wants to go because there is an intensive rehab program that is built into the daily life. 2 hours of physio (PT) and 2 hours of occupational therapy (OT) each day. I thought to myself: this aint gonna be tough. I do double sessions of training daily. This is going to be just like training. In fact, is 2 hours enough?

I will soon find out that this is going to be one of the toughest “training” I will ever have in my life.

I received a "HUGE" welcome at Shenton Rehab. When I arrived, I wasn’t put in a comfortable position on the bed so I requested some assistance from the nurse in the room.

Z: Hello, can I have some assistance in shifting my body a little higher on the bed?

N: Sorry, no. Please do it yourself.

Z: But.. I cant use my arms and legs, could you please help me …

N: Nope. You are now in Shenton, which means that you learning to be independent. So go on. I am here just in case something happens.

I was taken aback by the sudden change in environment. Lucky for me, the sportsman in me said “ Challenge accepted”. So I “worm-ed” myself up the bed, using whatever strength I could harness from whatever muscle groups that I could use. Kicking.. pulling.. turning.. using my neck.. using my right arm.. using my inmobile left side of the body as a support/resting position while I use my right hand to pull and push.. It was a huge challenge to move myself 15cm higher up on the bed, and.. I failed. After seeing me try for 5 minutes, the nurse came over to help me.

N: Good job. Lets try again some time soon. Nurses wont be here to help you all the time. This is for your own good.

Fair enough. Well said. But wow. Tough day 1 that’s for sure. Luckily for me, the next nurse on shift was a Japanese nurse. *phew* I spoke to her in Japanese and it definitely made her a lot more friendly to me and she did make my Day1 at Shenton A LOT smoother. It’s always good to learn a foreign language people. Always good. =)

Dinner time has come and the next challenge arise. I have not fed myself since the accident and obviously the nurse is not going to feed me. So, I slowly picked up my spoon and attempted at having my dinner. It took me 30minutes to drop food all over myself and the bed before I gave up after eating less than ½ my usual intake. It became so tiring that I rather be hungry than to make another attempt to feed myself. My right arm could no longer move and it no longer had the grip strength to hold the spoon. Imagine, just 2 weeks ago I was squatting 160kg, bench pressing 40kg ( I know this is little) and now 2 weeks later, I cannot even hold a 0.2kg spoon. How frustrating can this be?!?!

I told myself “tomorrow, I will be able to eat more. Tomorrow I will have a better use of my right hand. I will be normal again… I will be..”

After all the formal introduction to my OT and PT, the real rehabilitation begins. PT wheeled me down to the gym asked me if I would like to sit up from my bed.

Of course I would and of course I can do it. Dont be silly.. Why would I learn to sit up? Its my arms and legs that were affected..

PT: is this your sitting position Zac?

Z: yes

PT: Ok mate. Try to sit as neutral as you think you are. Be as centered as possible.

Ok. Something must be wrong. “try”.. why “try”..

PT: Zac, is this your centered position?

Z: Yes.

PT: Ok mate. You are off centered. You can ask your family about it.

My parents nodded and demonstrated how I was off-centered. I was a little shock but accepted the fact almost instantly. I knew I am not at my best, there will a lot of things I will need to re-learn again, so I am starting everything afresh now. Let’s get the fundamentals right.

I followed my PT’s instruction and managed to learn to be as centered as I can. I sweat, I shivered, my muscles fatigued and I rested in between, repeating this simple movement over and over again. 2 hours flew by just from learning to sit up. Imagine having to learn to sit up at the age of 27. Imagine my parents watching their 27year old son do something simple.. something they caught me 27 years ago. It must have hurt them alot. I didnt want them to feel the pain. I could only work hard, work harder, be back to where i was before. Not just for me. For my parents.

First session at OT was tough as well. We went through some tests to determine my grip strength, dexterity and finger strength. All of these tests are really familiar to me thanks to sports science. So when I received my results, it was a reminder that I was no longer the old me. I had to start from square one. I am a baby. Yes. I am a baby. I have decided to treat myself like a baby. Not because I want to be pampered or because I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to view myself as a baby because, babies learn things from scratch. They learn sitting up, wriggling or their body, learn to grip things, learn to walk and then run.. Yes. I will run again. As long as I am a baby, I keep learning, I keep practicing, I keep falling, but as long as I don’t give up, I will be like all babies, having the potential and ability to learn how to walk and how to run.

I am a baby.

I had to rely on the nurses to shower me daily. They will first transfer me to a commode (wheelchair for toilet) and wheel me to the shower and proceed to shower me. see. I am a baby. I try not to think of myself as useless, but as a baby. I am just learning things all over again. I am just.. learning. This is a much better way than beating myself up over the situation or to be adsorbed in my self-pity. I am a baby.

Days at Shenton Rehab was tough. I remembered myself getting onto the stationary bike and doing 20minutes of the bike before every “walking” session that followed. I always gave my all for the bike ride because I knew that this was the only form of aerobic exercise I was getting. I didn’t want to let all my marathon trainings go to waste. I didn’t want to lose everything. I was holding on to the hopes that I will be able to do a marathon again in the future. In fact, I want to compete again. I want to be back at where I was.

The physios were supportive of my decision and they allowed me to go my own training daily. That’s probably less work for them but its also better for me. Whenever I felt tired, I reminded myself that I am a lot more fortunate than the others patients at Shenton, people who are still stuck on the wheelchair. At least, I get to be out of my wheelchair for 2 hours a day (that’s probably the maximum my body could go). I pushed myself hard on the bike everyday and I get weekly goals. I made sure I did everything within my power to improve to meet the goals. I did strength endurance sets, strength training, aerobic recovery as well as techniques on the bike. In fact, I even requested physio session to be lengthened so that I can get more time on the bike. I constantly reminded myself of what my coach taught me “ALWAYS CHALLENGE YOURSELF. If it is not challenging, it is not working. Do it in different variations to challenge yourself. This is the difference. Challenge yourself”. I will always bear this in mind. ALWAYS CHALLENGE YOURSELF. That’s what I told myself daily at Shenton. Go beyond where I didn’t. Out-do the yesterday-me. Go till I crash. The medical team is here if I do crash. So.. lets go. I almost died, I can finally use my body a little more, there is no time to waste but to push. PUSH ZAC!! PUSH YOURSESLF!!

I made a silent prayer. "Dear Lord, if you allow me to run again, I will never grumble about another tough training session. I will never complain about lactic workouts. I will always give my best. I will learn to enjoy all lactic workouts because it will all become so simple as compared to what I am going through now. Let me run and train with my team mates again. I will never complain to my coach for the tough 400m repeats or the short rest times... Please. I will work my ass off to make it happen if you allow me to. I will never complain about tough workouts again"..

I want to feel the lactic rushing through my veins..
I want to feel that throwing-up feeling after a hard workout..
I want to run till I cramp..
I want to run till I feel my lungs are exploding..
I wanna run again.
I promise to be a good boy.
I promise to love running.
I promise to enjoy running...
Please...
Give me a chance to make it happen...
...

...

please..